Expectations

Half way! #20weekspregnant
Little hands up to it's face and legs crossed - bubba was giving nothing away

I always wanted three children. Well, for as long as I wanted children. I remember as a teenager deciding against the whole crazy idea. My wise Grandmotherly neighbor laughed and told me I would change my mind. How right she was, even if I was slow to do so. I married Dave when I was twenty one, and I don't recall ever actually discussing when, or how many, children we might have. I think I just assumed that it would happen, when we were ready, at some point in the blurry future, and it would be rather simple. That point in time made it's self apparent when I had to have my right ovary removed five years after we were married. No simple matter. My desire to become a Mother came in to sharp focus when the possibility of a full hysterectomy was on the cards. Suddenly there were discussions that needed to take place, assumptions that needed to be pinned down, practicalities to consider. And in my heart, for the first time, I felt that we would have three children. Despite the obstacles.

Several years later, when Emerson was born, our first born was the first to visit her in the hospital. Cohen gazed at his new sister and marveled that she was no longer in my tummy. Waves of emotion passed over me as he held her the first time. I saw before me two precious little lives that came in to existence because of our love. I felt even more of a family now that we were four in number. And despite the difficulties of a 'high risk' pregnancy. Despite the pain after the cesarean. Despite these two pieces of my heart before me, I already knew in that moment I would want another baby. Dave was not as easily convinced...

I think it took Dave at least two weeks for the news of this pregnancy to sink in. He walked around in a daze those two weeks, sleepless and forget, poor man. He really hadn't expected me to fall pregnant while breastfeeding, with one ovary and hyperthyroidism. I'd had my doubts too, and fought against the idea of not having another child. Finally, when I had come to peace with the idea that we may always be a family of four, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test.

Life is a funny thing. Things happen, often with no rhyme or reason, as much as we need to think their is a reason. Sitting here musing on these things I realise that one thing I have learnt throughout our journey from couple to family, is that expectations are difficult things. It's difficult not to have them and it's unlikely that they will be accurate - especially where pregnancy and babies are concerned, in my experience. Now, here we are at 20 weeks with baby number three, when we really didn't expect to make it this far after three weeks of bleeding in the first trimester, and I really don't know what to expect. I'm hoping for a healthy baby. I'm hoping for a natural birth. And I'm hoping, when I see my three children together, I don't suddenly feel like a fourth...

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